When does gay marriage matter to straight people?

By Jo Meleca-Voigt on 03/19/2009 @ 01:28 PM

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When does gay marriage matter to straight people?

When it’s personal!

As a woman who is in a solid and committed relationship with another woman, enjoying all the rights and responsibilities of marriage in this country that I love is an obvious next step for my relationship. But, I often wonder what motivates my straight friends to fight for marriage equality who wouldn’t have the obvious benefits that I would.

My ministers, two of which are a straight married couple, have refused to sign marriage licenses for anyone until they can sign them for loving same-sex adults. Since many couples opt for the convenience of a minister who will sign the license rather than going to city hall to have it done themselves, the ministers have nothing to gain from this action and a lot to lose. The income from marriage ceremonies is significant. But, to them who minister to a congregation with a large number of gay members, doing what they believe in is more significant.

A few months ago, a close friend’s husband died suddenly in a freak accident. They are both in their early thirties and have a 2 ½ year old child. One night, my friend and I were talking about how she would proceed after her devastating loss. Some of the issues that came up regarded what to do with the house that was in her husbands name, how to best use and save with the insurance and other benefits considering that her husband was the chief breadwinner, and how to make sure that her child always knew and loved both families even though her father was no longer there. At one point, I mentioned to my friend, who is 100% supportive of gay rights, that things would be very different if I lost Christine and we had a child. In that instant, I saw in my friends face a deep understanding of what protections marriage had given her. The peace of mind during such a difficult time that she was cared for and didn’t have to add to her grief the struggles of custody, inheritance taxes, next of kin status or who was in charge of burial decisions.

I realized that there were no words that could bring her to where she was; it was her experience. It was the intimate knowledge of what marriage meant in that awful time that gave her a deeper connection to our fight for equal marriage rights for same-sex couples.

My ministers as well as my friend have a lot of interaction with gay people. They know how much marriage matters to us on a day to day level. They know that affirming the love between adults, regardless of gender, is the right thing to do.

Looking in history, it is when those who have seemingly nothing to gain by civil rights get involved that real change happens. Those who are being discriminated against are by virtue of that discrimination unable to have the same venues available to them to spread their message of equality. It is when those who have nothing to gain have the courage of their convictions to stand up that the world listens with a different ear.

As Pastor Martin Niemöller said, “In Germany, they came first for the Communists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist; And then they came for the trade unionists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist; And then they came for the Jews, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew; And then … they came for me … And by that time there was no one left to speak up.”

Jo Meleca-Voigt is a teacher in Greece, NY. She lives with her wife Christine and their two cats, Casey and Kennedy. She enjoys traveling and is proud of her Italian heritage.